FROM 10FT IN THE AIR TO 10FT UNDER WATER.

The struggle. The constant grind that is the hard wired, deeply encoded self-worth, inextricably linked to mirrored reflections, that selfie at the wrong angle, that snap-shot that turns up on social media...

Today I'm my first 2 OCRs (obstacle course races) conquered, done and dusted. The euphoria after the first was unreal. I had convinced myself in the run up that I was not strong enough to get it done. I taunted myself with image after image of smiling faces, hoisting themselves over walls and underwater with (imagined) ease. So you can imagine, when I finally threw myself over the edge of a 10ft drop into the Thames, euphoria coursed through me. I did it! Last weekend it was the promise of thick mud and the unreasonable pressure of having to catch a train back home to Birmingham that had me back in that self-doubt.  By the time I lowered myself down from that final 10ft wall and then again when I was falling asleep on my train home, I acknowledged that self-doubt has no place in my head.

So here we are, the following week. Factually nothing has changed. I am still the same woman that completed both OCRs. Psychologically the struggle just kicked up a gear. I catch my reflection in the gym mirror. 'Why is my lower belly round. Why aren't my lower abs popping as yet?'.

It's a strenuous duality. Feminist, intellectually aware of how patriarchy acts on a woman's perception of body and f**ks with our self worth. Same time, painfully, I am under the thumb of patriarchy, acting as the harshest critic of every curve, stretch, scar, hair, spot and nail that makes up my outer being.

I don't profess to have the answers. Fempower, feminism in general are all pushing in a direction which is seeking to smash the lie that is patriarchy. What I do know is that we are not super women. Being enough, knowing that 'I am enough' is allowing yourself these feelings of bewilderment, anxiety and contradiction. Being enough is being able to share these feelings, should we choose to do so.

So while I keep reaching for my emotional self to catch up with my intellect I'm going to look back at the last two weekends and just think I DID IT!